Miss Manners: Their gift to me was grabbed out of a casket

"DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother passed away some years ago, my brother and his wife placed a stuffed black cat toy in her casket. My mother had owned several black cats. Months later, I was opening a Christmas gift from my brother. It turned out to be a stuffed black cat. He said, Do you know where that came from? Of course I knew! My mouth dropped open. Miss Manners, was this absolutely the worst Christmas gift ever, or am I missing something?"

"Back up. Miss Manners needs some clarification on the mechanics of this. She is presuming that the casket was not closed at the visitation, and that your brother and his wife grabbed the cat before it became so? Please do not tell her that they dug up a grave. Of course, neither scenario is appealing, and it is not surprising that anyone would be sensitive about it, to say the least."

"DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have several nieces and nephews I adore. While they were growing up, I always sent a birthday card, even if there was no family birthday celebration. I would add a check for a modest financial gift up until their 21st birthday, after which I would simply send a card and a text. Some nieces and nephews now have children of their own, so I send cards and money to them."

A brother and his wife placed a stuffed black cat toy in their deceased mother's casket. Months later the brother gave that same stuffed black cat as a Christmas gift, causing shock and distress. Possible explanations include that the casket remained open at a visitation and the cat was taken before closure; grave-digging is explicitly rejected. Both scenarios are called unappealing, and sensitivity to the gift is validated. Hiding the toy is presented as an acceptable reaction, while returning it as revenge is discouraged. Separately, a family member sent birthday cards and modest monetary gifts to nieces and nephews through age 21 and continues gestures for the next generation to express affection.

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