"I'm Aileen Varsity-Spaunders, but you probably know me from my often remaindered coffee-table books, "Entertaining with the Money from Your First Annulment," "Elegant Dining with Wealthy Strangers," and my own favorite, "Weddings Without Permits in Public Atriums." As a noted tastemaker and hospitality authority-and I like to remind people that the word derives from the Latin root "hospital"-I've compiled my annual holiday gift guide, and I'm using the word "holiday" here so that my tax person will feel included."
"A human hand. Through my contacts at local cemeteries, I like to recycle body parts for and sometimes from my closest friends. Why not cauterize a severed hand, add some just-for-fun cocktail rings, and then shatter the hand's rigid bones with a hammer or mallet, which will allow the fingers to be wrapped around a colorful ceramic mug with a holly or mistletoe motif?"
"An unwanted adult child. My forty-one-year-old daughter, Andrea, has never quite "found herself," despite careers as a flight-attendant impersonator, a sales rep for recreational fentanyl, and a clown at the birthday parties of children from broken homes. (Andrea would hiss, "Tell me about it," and then squirt the tykes with vodka from a water pistol.) So this year I'm thinking, Why not weave a festive bow into Andrea's hair and give her to just about anyone with a guest room or basement crawl space?"
An irreverent holiday gift guide offers deliberately shocking and unlawful gift suggestions framed as haute hospitality. Suggestions include recycling human remains—cauterizing a severed hand, adding rings, breaking bones to grip a festive mug, and pairing it with hot-cocoa and a decorated toenail. Another suggestion recommends gifting an adult daughter to anyone with spare space, listing her unstable past jobs. A third idea instructs removing library books, gluing pages, and drilling holes to convert them into decorative vessels for candles, toothbrushes, or subpoenas. The tone blends dark humor, transgression, and social satire aimed at affluent entertaining culture.
Read at The New Yorker
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