What We're Getting Ourselves For Defector's Wood Anniversary | Defector

"With Defector turning five this week, we have been presented an opportunity to do two of our favorite things: Execute a really stupid bit and allow Ray Ratto to roast us. We have taken advantage of that opportunity with this post, in which Defector staffers have been forced to pick a gift made of wood that costs no more than $20 (it's our Wood Anniversary) to give the site. Each selection has been judged, Taskmaster style, by Ratto. Thanks for indulging us."

"6,000 toothpicks Everybody needs toothpicks. Everybody likes toothpicks. Defector, on the celebration of its birth, deserves as many toothpicks as we can give it. Normally, these retail for $5 for a box of 1,000. But if we purchase in bulk, we can get that down to $2.96 a box. Other bloggers may present better gifts, but nobody will present more. - Barry Petchesky"

"Ratto: I see a caterer, wandering dazed into the woods while the white van he drives has been ransacked and plastic utensils, cups and plates are scattered everywhere. There are empty wrappers of toothpicks by the hundred on the ground, and the image it conjures is a serial hors d'oeuvre murderer. In sum, nobody needs this many toothpicks, ever. Two points."

"A gavel I submit a 4H wooden gavel, to be used for the crucial and also incredibly complicated process of adjudicating company decisions among the 20-however many of us there are now. It's a 4H gavel, and I have decided the four Hs stand for: honor, hair, handshake, and Hanks (Tom or Chet, depending on your mood). Also, we can crack crab legs with it. - Alex Sujong Laughlin"

Defector marks its fifth anniversary with a Wood Anniversary gift gag: staffers must choose wooden gifts costing no more than $20 for the site. Ray Ratto evaluates each choice Taskmaster style and responds with playful, savage roasts. Examples include a bulk purchase of 6,000 toothpicks suggested to maximize quantity and cost-efficiency, and a 4H wooden gavel proposed for adjudicating company decisions and cracking crab legs. Ratto lampoons the toothpick glut with a macabre image and criticizes the gavel as more suited for assault than practical use.

Read at Defector