I Had a Strange, Unsettling Experience Breastfeeding Each of My Four Children. I Finally Figured Out Why.

"The moment my baby latched and the milk began to flow, a wave of dread would crash over my body. It was immediate and physical. I would close my eyes and inhale deeply, bracing myself for what was coming: a strange cocktail of sadness, panic, and the most bone-deep exhaustion I've ever experienced. There was some euphoria in there, too, but it was not the primary aspect."

"When I tried to describe my situation to other mothers, most nodded in recognition-but not in identification. 'Oh yeah, that weird feeling,' they'd say. 'Keep going. It passes.' And it did pass after a few minutes, every single time. But it never actually stopped happening."

"I wholeheartedly believe that the more 'natural' option is indeed the best one on a biological level. But it quickly occurred to me that on an emotional level, breastfeeding was creating more damage."

The author experienced a consistent and immediate wave of dread, sadness, panic, and exhaustion each time her baby latched during breastfeeding across four pregnancies. This emotional response occurred during nursing, pumping, and even in anticipation of milk letdown, becoming inseparable from the breastfeeding experience itself. While other mothers recognized similar sensations, they normalized it as temporary and encouraged persistence. The author pushed through for several months with each child before switching to formula, believing she should endure the emotional discomfort despite its lack of physical pain. She eventually recognized that while breastfeeding may be biologically optimal, the emotional damage it caused outweighed potential benefits.

Read at Slate Magazine