I Think I've Trained My Kid to Hate My In-Laws. Uh Oh.

"I am hoping you can help me with some ideas to help my 1-year-old daughter bond with my husband's family, especially my mother-in-law. It was my daughter's first birthday party today, and she wouldn't allow herself to be held by any of my husband's family members, only my mom. For the past year, my mother-in-law has come to look after my daughter one morning a week when I leave the house to do a few hours of casual work."

"My daughter screams and screams when I leave. Apparently, some days she cries the whole time I'm away, but other times she calms down relatively quickly. My husband tries to work from home these days to ease her separation anxiety. Last weekend, my husband and I went on a date night and left my daughter with my in-laws, where she screamed for three hours and wouldn't calm down. Once we came back, she was fine and clung to me."

"My daughter is biracial, as my family is white and my husband's family is Japanese. As I spend the most time with my daughter and don't speak much Japanese-I try and use words when I can-I think it's really important my daughter has a warm and positive relationship with my in-laws, just not because they're lovely and family, but to also learn and speak Japanese and have a deeper connection to her Japanese culture."

"Dear Apologetic Daughter-in-Law, I had a lightbulb moment this week, that really the only time she sees my husband's family is when I leave her, so I'm thinking of removing the morning my daughter spends with my mother-in-law and replacing this with a family dinner or time on the weekend where it is my husband, me, baby, and my in-laws. I think I've inadvertently created a dynamic where my daughter sees my in-laws and thinks I'm going to leave, so I'm keen to break that association."

A 1-year-old daughter strongly prefers her mother and resists being held by her father's family, including her mother-in-law. Weekly morning caregiving by the mother-in-law has often coincided with the parent's departure, provoking intense separation anxiety and prolonged crying. The child sometimes calms but frequently screams for hours when left with grandparents. The parents want the child to form warm bonds with the Japanese side of the family and to learn Japanese. One proposed strategy is to replace solo caregiving mornings with shared family activities like dinners or weekend visits so relatives are associated with presence and play rather than departure. The goal is to break the association between relatives and parental absence and to build positive cultural connections.

Read at Slate Magazine