"Praise. Universally good, right? Those of you who are fans of Alfie Kohn's (2018) work know it isn't. Praise comes with baggage. I (EB) was reminded of another downside by a young adult patient who sees praise as invalidating or dismissive of a person's experience. What about this exchange? Person: "I can't do it." Response: "Yes, you can. You are so amazing and strong.""
"What about this exchange? Person: "I feel so ugly." Response: "Don't feel like that. You are beautiful." This is a hard one. You would hardly expect a decent person to say, "Yeah, you are." What if that is how the person truly feels? The response, though seemingly complimentary and kind, may actually be sending these messages instead: "I can't tolerate your pain, therefore I am going to dismiss it." Or, "You are alone. I can't share your perspective.""
Praise can carry unintended consequences by invalidating or dismissing a person's negative self-statements. Direct reassurances such as “Yes, you can” or “You are beautiful” can communicate intolerance of pain or a refusal to share the other person's perspective. Such responses may push someone away from their current truth and reduce their willingness to open up. Examples include countering “I can't do it” with compliments about strength or correcting “I feel so ugly” with immediate compliments. Listening without rejecting, validating feelings first, and then gently offering support fosters acceptance and opens dialogue.
Read at Psychology Today
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