R.F.K., Jr.: A Day in the Life

"By promoting suspicions about the institutions he oversees, critics say Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is jeopardizing public health. He says he is pursuing transparency. Upon waking each morning, I open my drapes, remove the tinfoil over the windows, and stare directly at the sun for thirty to forty-five minutes until everything goes white and I can no longer see, which is when you know it's working. I'm not exactly sure what's working, but I know it is and I know it's been proved."

"Cheryl loves to drive, so I'm the passenger most days. But not in the passenger seat. Not a lot of people know this, but the inside of the car is more dangerous than the outside. So what I've been doing for some time is lying on a sled I've attached to the undercarriage of the car. People ask "Isn't that dangerous?" and I laugh, because it's ten times safer than inside the car."

"Now, instead of coffee, I make a smoothie with protein powder, kale, wheatgrass, honey, a banana, two AA batteries, and a few pumps of WD-40. Several new studies have shown that petroleum distillates are hugely beneficial to humans. (I have the studies here somewhere.) Not only do I notice increased suppleness in my joints, but the hinge on the basement door no longer squeaks when I touch it, and on some days I'm able to tune in to a baseball game through my fillings."

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is described as promoting suspicions about institutions and thereby jeopardizing public health; he says he is pursuing transparency. A persona adopts unconventional and potentially dangerous practices, including removing tinfoil, staring at the sun for long periods, lying on a sled attached to a car's undercarriage, and drinking smoothies that include batteries and WD-40. Purported studies from dubious sources are invoked to justify these behaviors and claim benefits from petroleum distillates. The tone mixes satire and skepticism, presenting implausible health claims alongside assertions of documented evidence.

Read at The New Yorker