"Masculine adequacy, what a curse. It means every time you go to bed together it isn't a moment between just you two. Also joining you: the fictional ideal of male performance, the version of himself he imagines he needs to be, and a fleet of imagined competitors. It can get so crowded in there, it's hard to even see each other."
"That is, does telling him he is man enough leave that as the standard to use? In an ideal sexual utopia I feel like we'd get away from the notion of man enough altogether. You know and I know that it's stupid propaganda from equally stupid porn and pop culture that good sex has to involve out-manning others with size and muscles and a grimly determined march to an orgasm."
"do I make them feel totally free and irresistible, are we building something together, or am just I enacting a script. I wonder whether reassuring him that he meets his expectations for male sexuality nonetheless leaves him in a world where those are the most important things. After all, reassurance that you comply with standards doesn't get you out from under them."
Sexual performance anxiety can stem from internalized cultural standards and imagined comparisons to other men, causing sex to feel crowded and competitive rather than intimate. Reassurance that someone meets those standards can inadvertently reinforce the standard and keep the person trapped inside it. Porn and pop culture propagate narrow ideas of masculinity and sexual success, emphasizing size, stamina, and a single scripted goal. A healthier approach prioritizes knowing a partner's desires, creating freedom and irresistibility, building mutual connection, and moving away from scripts and performance metrics toward shared pleasure and safety.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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