"Think about the last time someone told you that you "always" do something wrong or "never" listen. How did it feel? If you're like most people, you probably felt defensive, misunderstood, and maybe even a bit angry. That's because these absolute statements do something particularly damaging: they erase all the times you did try, all the moments you did listen, all the efforts you made that went unnoticed."
"I learned this the hard way after my last serious relationship ended. During therapy, I discovered I had this habit of using absolutes whenever I felt hurt. "You never make time for us" was my go-to phrase, even though looking back, I can see dozens of times my partner did exactly that. The problem was that in moments of frustration, my brain would conveniently forget all those positive instances."
Therapists increasingly identify 'You always' and 'You never' as destructive communication patterns that quietly erode relationships. These absolutes make partners feel defensive, misunderstood, and angry by erasing past efforts and attentive moments. Habitual use of absolutes shifts conversations from addressing a specific incident to attacking a partner's entire character, creating impossible arguments. In moments of hurt, people often rely on these phrases, which conveniently omit positive instances and exacerbate conflict. Recognizing and replacing absolute statements with specific descriptions of feelings and behaviors can preserve trust, improve problem-solving, and prevent small issues from escalating into relationship-ending resentments.
Read at Silicon Canals
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