"For many years, Esther Perel has been saying, " Sex isn't something you do; it's a place you go." So far, so good. Absolutely! Sex isn't a "doing" thing, it's a "being" thing. I've been saying this for years. But I've also been adding to her quote: "Sex isn't something you do; it's a place you go. Hopefully together." Because sometimes one person goes to that place and leaves the other behind. There's a disconnection. And that's a problem."
"There's a mutual feedback loop with sex: when a person feels really turned on, generally that feeling is contagious and their partner's arousal increases as a result. You can ride that wave of energy together. But things can go wrong in a couple of ways. If one person prioritises ever-increasing arousal over connection, possibly resorting to fantasy to maintain it, their lover might not be able to keep up, because the link is broken."
Sex functions as a shared, embodied place that partners ideally enter together through vulnerability, play, and presence. Mutual arousal often creates a contagious feedback loop that can be ridden together. Disconnection occurs when one partner prioritises escalating arousal or retreats into fantasy, or when one embraces a raw, primal state that the other cannot follow. Life stressors, unspoken resentments, fear, and habit commonly break the link and leave a partner feeling abandoned. Re-establishing connection requires permission to be present, honest communication, and willingness to stay together in heightened erotic states.
Read at Psychology Today
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