Adam wrecked a car and there were no consequences. He got a new car and wrecked that one as well. If there are no actual problems when something happens, he will never see the need to find a solution.
A few decades ago I was briefly, unwisely, involved with a young woman, 14 years my junior, whom I met in an online "chat room," way back when those were a thing. A yearlong bicoastal romance ensued, with a few visits back and forth. She was 27 and I was 42. It ended after a year when I neither phoned nor sent flowers on Valentine's Day.
I told my goddaughter I would contribute $500 to the wedding dress. She picked out a dress without consulting me that cost nearly 10 times that much and sent me a picture of the receipts. She said she had heard that I would pay for all of the dress. Her mother got involved and it ended up a huge mess.
Guilt because I had more financial resources than they did - I'm a millionaire who has worked in finance for decades. Dread because I've seen, both professionally and personally, how quickly money can complicate even the best of relationships. As a financial planner professional turned financial therapist, I specialize in wealth alignment - helping ultra-high-net-worth individuals and couples transform money from a source of stress into one of connection, impact, and lasting fulfillment.
My life now is much lower key. I make enough to pay my bills and enjoy a life out of the office. Here is the thing: I bought a lot of stock for my nephew, "Jonah," my brother's son.He was the only kid on both sides of the family, and I wanted to provide for him. The stocks went really well. Jonah has over $100,000 set aside for college when he graduates in a few years.
My therapy practice was generating a significant amount of revenue, yet I was on the brink of collapse. Poor profit margins and weak financial boundaries had left me in a severe cash-flow crisis. With kindness, he said: "Joyce, you're not running a charity-you deserve to make a profit."
I am unemployed right now, so I try to be mindful of my expenses and always account for my necessities first. My friend reached out and invited me to a private dinner party at her home and requested $200 for attendance. That would cover the cost of the private chef and some other things. I couldn't spend that kind of money on a party. I explained to her that I could not afford to be there, and since then, she's been cold.
Let that person know that you appreciate being included and want to be able to go on the trip with them, but you do have limited resources. Ask what the expectation would be for expenses during the trip. This may feel awkward, but it's way better to learn now than to be away and unable to participate or contribute fully.
It's too bad that your brother and his wife didn't talk about these things beforehand and map out a plan for the future, especially something as important as where they want to live. Obviously, you cannot control what he does, but you might recommend to him that the two of them sit down and review their goals for the future based on available resources, needs and desires.
