"When Calm Becomes a Performance Therapy culture has given us some amazing tools - mindfulness, grounding, journaling - they really can change lives. But somewhere along the way, those tools stopped being just tools. They became rules. It feels like we're expected to walk around with a therapist's voice in our head all the time: breathe, notice, regulate. And if we lose it, if we cry, yell, or admit "I can't right now," we're told we've failed. That's not healing. That's acting."
"The other day at work, a coworker made another cutting remark. My chest tightened, my face burned, and every part of me wanted to snap back. Instead, I forced a smile, took a deep breath, and told myself: regulate, regulate, regulate. By the time I got home, I wasn't proud of how calm I'd been. I was drained. I had swallowed my anger so hard it felt like a stone in my stomach."
Constantly performing calm by suppressing emotions leads to regulation fatigue that depletes mental and physical energy and undermines resilience. Therapeutic tools like mindfulness, grounding, and journaling are effective when used as supports, but can become rigid rules that pressure people to maintain a composed performance. Repeated suppression of legitimate feelings reduces coping capacity and increases stress vulnerability. Studies link prolonged emotional regulation to mental fatigue and reduced resilience. Regulation can help in short-term coping but should not be used as a mask to meet cultural expectations; authentic expression and restorative practices are necessary to recover energy and maintain health.
Read at Psychology Today
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