When Dependence Is Not the Problem

"In some families and cultures, dependence is not simply tolerated-it is relationally meaningful. It can signal care, closeness and responsibility toward one another. But in therapy, dependence is often quickly interpreted as something to outgrow. Sometimes, parents may not even realise that their way of loving-doing everything, protecting, anticipating needs-can also reinforce dependency in their adult children. Yet dependence is not always only about incapacity. Sometimes, it is also a way to stay connected, and more importantly, a way to protect against the fear of abandonment."

"Mary came to therapy in her early 30s after being diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder by a previous therapist. She disagreed with the diagnosis. "It's just unfair," she said. "And it didn't help." In many ways, Mary was functioning. She could manage daily life and make daily decisions. But the idea that her parents might one day die felt unbearable. Not something in the distant future, but something that made her feel suddenly small, exposed, and unsafe."

"Interestingly, Mary did not describe herself as "close" to her parents. She often felt they didn't truly understand her. Her father, now in his late 70s, was caring but could also be critical. He showed love through action-cooking, cleaning, providing-rather than emotional attunement. Her mother struggled with chronic anxiety and depression. From the outside, the family appeared harmonious. Emotionally, something was missing. In therapy, Mary often felt "flat.""

"At times, it felt as though I was meeting a wall. Over time, a pattern began to emerge. Mary's father had grown up with physical abuse and carried a deep sense of inadequacy. He seemed most comfortable when he "

Dependence can be relationally meaningful, signaling care, closeness, and responsibility. In therapy, dependence is often interpreted as something to outgrow, even when it functions as a way to stay connected and protect against fear of abandonment. Parents may unintentionally reinforce dependency in adult children by doing everything, protecting, and anticipating needs. Mary entered therapy in her early 30s after a prior diagnosis of Dependent Personality Disorder, which she rejected. She managed daily life and decisions, but the possibility of her parents dying felt unbearable, making her feel small, exposed, and unsafe. She did not feel emotionally close to her parents, describing a lack of understanding and emotional attunement, and she often felt flat and uninteresting in therapy.

Read at Psychology Today