Why Parents Shouldn't Grieve Their Autistic Children

"There is no doubt that raising a disabled child makes parenting more challenging. Things we were counting on, like an easier lifestyle, a supportive community, or clear school choices, are no longer guaranteed. But it's vital to point out that even though many of these experiences may not happen, it's not the child we are mourning. We are grieving our own expectations, the systems around us, and the stigma, uncertainty, and stress of raising a neurodivergent child in a neurotypical world."

"This misplaced grief narrative, advocated by my friend's therapist, stems from a deficit-based framework that views autism as a loss. The grief narrative becomes a therapy trope and a developmental mandate for the parent to mourn. When clinicians insist that parents must grieve who their child is, that narrative becomes profoundly damaging. The problem shifts to the child rather than focusing on the environment, and autistic children are highly sensitive to the emotional tone around them."

Parents of autistic children often experience real grief tied to lost expectations, supports, and foreseeable life paths rather than to the child. Therapists who urge parents to mourn a neurotypical version of their child apply a deficit-based framework that frames autism as a loss. That narrative shifts blame onto the child, harms parent-child interaction, and conveys a message that something is wrong with the child. Parental anger and sorrow are justified responses to stigma, uncertainty, and inadequate systems. Redirecting grief toward structural failures can fuel advocacy and efforts to build more inclusive environments.

Read at Psychology Today