Alien Selves, Abusive Partners, and Early Trauma

"The Alien Self, as described by Fonagy and Bateman, is a detested, disavowed, disowned part of the self that arises out of trauma. Early neglect or abuse can lead a child to feel as if they are an undesirable or unworthy being. Caregivers not grasping, or even having disdain for, a child's natural leanings, can also create an Alien Self. Because it is not welcome or celebrated, the child seals off an authentic identity. Because they were not embraced, they do not embrace themselves."

"Critical, persecutory voices, originally from outside, remain in the inner life. The Alien Self is both an aspect of identity and a repository for others' negative responses to that identity. Being in touch with the Alien Self can be intolerable, as it gives rise to shame. If the Alien Self remains cut off or unconscious, if authentic drives are suppressed, self-destructive leanings, such as choosing an abusive partner, ensue. Unprocessed trauma can lead to against-the-self decisions."

"Self-awareness is a great moderator. If the Alien Self is brought into consciousness and questioned, one might feel more vitalized, authentic, and able. Silent moments may be peaceful and playful, instead of painful."

"When a parent and child just are not in sync, criticism might be more common than compliments and disdain can replace respect. Misunderstood and diminished, the child shuts down or retreats and the Alien Self can form. Hiding and low self-esteem replace exploration, joy, and confidence. Ideally, the parent reflects back the child's organic identity with a "gleam" in their eye (Heinz Kohut). That gleam allows the child to explore, experiment, and feel confident."

Early trauma, neglect, or abuse can lead a child to feel undesirable or unworthy, forming a detested, disavowed part of identity. When caregivers do not grasp or celebrate natural leanings, authentic identity is sealed off and self-embracing becomes difficult. Critical, persecutory voices that began outside can remain inside, and the Alien Self can become both an identity aspect and a repository for others’ negative responses. If this part stays cut off or unconscious and authentic drives are suppressed, against-the-self decisions and self-destructive patterns can follow, including choosing abusive partners. Bringing the Alien Self into consciousness and questioning it can increase vitality and authenticity, allowing peaceful, playful moments.

Read at Psychology Today