Is It Time to Repair or Bail?

"It's normal for partners in troubled relationships to weigh the pros and cons of attempting to repair it or end it. If the relationship is hurtful or abusive, such considerations are necessary."

"Safety First!: Relationships don't survive when partners are in survival mode - afraid or ashamed. Practice Binocular Vision: Try to see your partner's perspective alongside your own. Strive to understand your partner's perspective, rather than put it down. Respect Emotion Reciprocity: The emotion you express is likely to be returned in kind, if not escalated."

"Grasp the Amphetamine Effects of Anger and Resentment: These feelings give you a surge of energy and confidence, and then you crash. Expressions of anger and resentment tend to lead to depressed feelings, or to more anger to avoid them. Eventually, the only time you can feel certain is when you're angry or resentful."

"Focus on Present and Future Corrections to Grievances: Rather than what should have been done in the past. Practice Compassionate Assertiveness: Stand up for your rights and preferences in ways that respect the rights, preferences, and vulnerabilities of your partner. Ask questions: Don't make accusations. Ask for what you want: Instead of criticizing what you don't want. Ask for Specific Behavior Change: Not personality alteration. Don't Use Labels or Characterizations: Labels"

Partners in troubled relationships often weigh repairing versus ending, especially when hurtful or abusive dynamics exist. A guideline for repair emphasizes safety, since relationships cannot survive when partners are in survival mode marked by fear or shame. Binocular vision supports understanding the partner’s perspective alongside one’s own. Emotional reciprocity suggests expressed emotions are likely to be returned or escalated. Anger and resentment can create a temporary surge followed by a crash into depression or further anger. Improvement efforts should focus on present and future corrections rather than past blame. Compassionate assertiveness, questions instead of accusations, requests for desired outcomes, and specific behavior change help reduce escalation. Avoiding labels and characterizations supports constructive communication.

Read at Psychology Today