This is how we do it: Since menopause, my sex drive has disappeared'

"Any pressure to have sex doesn't come from James it comes from within, from a fear of complete loss I used to really enjoy sex, but since menopause my drive has completely disappeared. I just don't feel like a sexual being any more. The problem isn't that I'm too dry it's more mental. I don't even enjoy kissing, touching or oral as much as I used to."

"Although I feel a huge amount of grief over the loss of my sexuality, I honestly couldn't care less if I never have sex again. Any pressure to have sex doesn't come from within, from a fear of complete loss. I still have some hope, but I've always been a glass-half-empty kind of person, shy and self-conscious."

"When I met James at work eight-and-a-half years ago, I actually wanted sex more than he did, and because I lacked confidence I immediately assumed he didn't find me attractive, or that something was wrong with me. We're best friends, but who could blame him if he wanted to go and find someone else?"

"Living together, I felt overwhelmed I felt as if I'd lost myself, having given too much to James. Losing my mum, my sons leaving home and perimenopause left me feeling anxious and depressed. I wanted my independence back, and moving into my own place gave me that. And without James there I don't feel obliged to have sex."

Sexual pressure is described as internal, driven by fear of complete loss rather than by a partner. Menopause is linked to a disappearance of libido and reduced enjoyment of kissing, touching, and oral sex, with the issue framed as mental rather than physical dryness. The speaker feels grief about losing sexuality but also feels indifferent about never having sex again. Self-consciousness and past assumptions about not being attractive contribute to worry that a partner might seek someone else. Major life changes, including bereavement, children leaving home, perimenopause, and moving out, increase anxiety and depression while restoring independence. Without the partner present, the speaker feels less obliged to have sex, and the relationship is characterized as strong friendship with ongoing tension about fairness and potential future boundaries.

Read at www.theguardian.com