"I think the most prudent thing to do here is to consider what the emotional fallout will be if the same thing were to happen again. You've written your letter in a hypothetical voice without identifying yourself, which is uncommon for this column, but I have a hunch that if you're in this configuration, you're the wife. If that is true, envision what a scenario will be like if your husband follows the same pattern."
"If alcohol clouded his judgement, he should take it upon himself to drink less-if getting loaded in the presence of available alcohol (and nonmonogamous sex) is an inevitability, that may signal an issue with substances or a general discomfort with this kind of play. Both should be interrogated. I know people love to get drunk and screw, but if they have to get drunk to screw, they might want to think about why and consider other means of social lubrication."
Consider potential emotional fallout if a partner repeats alcohol-fueled, single-target fixation during group or couples play. Assess how upsetting or relationship-ending repeat behavior would be. If alcohol impaired judgment, reduce drinking and examine whether substance use masks discomfort with nonmonogamy. Remove plausible deniability by acknowledging prior harm and taking responsibility. Establish concrete boundaries, consent checks, and monitoring during play. Negotiate specific rules, sobriety requirements, or end participation if patterns persist. Consider alternatives to heavy drinking for social lubrication, involve sober partners or third-party moderators, and prioritize the hurt partner’s emotional safety and the relationship’s long-term health.
Read at Slate Magazine
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