I, a Performatively Feminist Male, Will Be Touring Internationally

"I'm taking my act on the road, and I'd love to see you see me there! The tour kicks off in my home town of Philadelphia, where I will be yelling "Time's up!" at various A.T.M.s. If you can't join me for opening night, you can catch me on a rush-hour train the following morning, manspreading the pages of my well-worn copy of "A Vindication of the Rights of Woman" (1792)-a seminal volume."

"Next, I'll hop across the pond to the United Kingdom, where I'll be lingering in front of the London Zoo, telling visitors who didn't ask about my personal hero, Lucy Evelyn Cheesman, O.B.E., who was the first female curator of insects. I'll probably close the show with a ritualistic rending of my garments for the big cats locked away without legal representation-a little thing called doing the work."

"Then on to a secret show (you heard it here first!) in Hamburg, Germany. I can't say exactly where it will take place but, hint, hint: People shopping at a certain gift shop of a certain club will be informed of John Lennon's (ahem) cavernous history of emotional spousal abuse. My German isn't so strong. I'll mime the accusations if I must. And I must."

"People probably want to ask me, "Will you ever perform again in Paris?" Of course I will-eventually. But it really comes down to demand for the show, so please contact your conseillers municipaux and ask that the bannissement d'un idiot be lifted, rapidement. I was a student at the time. The whole thing was years ago. Regardless, a week of rest is scheduled prior to my return stateside. I deserve it, and thankfully hostels are safest for men with gauged ears travelling alone."

The performer begins in Philadelphia, yelling "Time's up!" at ATMs and later manspreading on a rush-hour train while reading a well-worn copy of A Vindication of the Rights of Woman (1792). The itinerary includes the United Kingdom, where the performer lingers at the London Zoo to praise Lucy Evelyn Cheesman and performs a ritualistic rending of garments for caged big cats. A secret Hamburg show will confront John Lennon's alleged history of emotional spousal abuse, with mime if necessary. The performer requests the Paris ban be lifted, plans a rested week volunteering and donating blood at a blood bank, and then returns stateside.

Read at The New Yorker