"As a young man, shame was a constant companion to my consideration of my sexuality. It made me question my sexual orientation: was I attracted to men, as I suspected, or did I simply have a desire for gratification? When I tip-toed around the topic of queerness in conversations with past girlfriends, more than once it was made clear to me that bisexuality was an unattractive trait for a man to have. The shame heaped up."
"And yet my secret fantasies continued. It wasn't just men I fantasised about, it was the possibility of different power dynamics, of multiple bodies, of feeling seen. I think my father had something to do with this. He became a manipulative, and sometimes violent, alcoholic by my teenage years, and I came to associate addiction, anger and excess with him. My longing for sexual exploration felt like the early stages of the kind of lascivious male appetites that I knew could wreck lives."
A young man experienced persistent shame while questioning his sexuality and wondered whether his attractions signified orientation or mere gratification. Conversations with past girlfriends reinforced the sense that bisexuality was unattractive, intensifying shame. Secret fantasies involved different power dynamics, multiple bodies, and being seen. A manipulative, sometimes violent alcoholic father led to associations between male excess and danger, causing the young man to bottle feelings and feel isolated. Moving to London at 23 enabled contact with queer communities and exposure to alternative intimacies. George Michael's Faith resonated deeply and prompted renewed attention to Michael's music after his death.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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