"You both were under a lot of stress and also grieving. It's easy, and common, in those moments to say the wrong thing or to take something the wrong way. We have to give each other grace. It's also reasonable and healthy to know when you're at emotional capacity. Sometimes we have to find the right words for it, like I want to be there for you, and I understand that this is hard, but some of the details are overwhelming me."
"Is there another way I can help, or can we revisit this later? It's also fine to say, You're going through it, I'm going through it. I don't have much to give right now and maybe you don't either, but can we just sit with each other? If you can, let the experience be water under the bridge. Reach out to your friend. Tell her you miss her."
"About a year ago a good friend lost her mother at an advanced age. Six months later she lost a brother rather suddenly to cancer. We've been friends for decades and are now both retired. We've seen each other through everything. Her mom was a huge challenge uncooperative, unsupportive, critical. My friend is everything her mom was not. When her mom was going downhill physically, my friend was taking care of her."
Two longtime friends experienced overlapping losses and mutual caregiving responsibilities that left both emotionally taxed. One friend served as a constant sounding board through a mother's decline and a sibling's sudden death while also coping with her own losses. Emotional capacity can be reached even by devoted supporters. Setting clear, compassionate boundaries is reasonable and healthy. Use direct phrases to express limits, offer alternative ways to help, or suggest revisiting the conversation later. Sitting together in shared grief can be a substitute for detailed recounting. Reach out afterward to reconnect and ask to start again.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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