"There's a difference between saying no to an isolated request and ignoring a relative. Your husband's guilt might be at least partially assuaged by being direct. You don't necessarily need to get into all your grievances with her; you can simply say, We're not going to make the trip. We hope you have fun. It's also worth asking yourselves what a reasonable expectation of this relationship is."
"His wife is one of the nastiest people I've ever met. She was verbally abusive to her husband, screaming and berating him in public. She was terrible to my in-laws who were very kind/sweet people. She has even screamed at me in our home while visiting. Since he died, I have no desire to see her again. She will be traveling to a city 200 miles from us next summer. She wants us to meet her there. I do not want to spend the time"
Declining a single invitation does not equal cutting off a relative. A direct, concise refusal can reduce guilt without rehashing grievances. Offering a brief, polite response sets a boundary while remaining civil. Partners can reasonably hold different expectations about maintaining difficult family ties. Grief can intensify a surviving spouse's sense of obligation, making continued contact worthwhile for them. Balancing emotional cost, time, and money is legitimate. Each person should set limits that protect well-being and avoid rewarding abusive behavior.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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