What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Chosen Family Estrangement

"When they can talk, they choose safe and capable people to engage with. Would you like to be one of these people? If so, consider the following guidance. Do Not Focus on Your Beliefs Avoid saying: Someone who has chosen estrangement does not need to hear your thoughts or feelings about family. They have heard it before from others or society, and yet they are estranged. Instead, consider being curious about their own beliefs and situation."

"In your attempt to relate, you may inadvertently compare your own experiences to theirs. But your family is not this person's family, so any comparison does not make sense. And even if they do share your family, your experiences are not theirs. Even siblings who are close in age and raised in the same family can have had completely different experiences, both of which are valid. Instead, say:"

"Just as comparisons are ineffective, so is unsolicited advice. You might encourage them to take actions with the intention of being helpful. But this is rarely productive and comes across as you simply telling them what to do. Remember: Their situation is different than yours, and what you think will work for you or what has worked for you may not work for them."

Family estrangement faces misunderstanding and stigma, prompting many estranged individuals to share only with safe, capable people. Supporters should prioritize curiosity about the estranged person's beliefs and needs rather than asserting their own opinions. Avoid comparing personal family experiences or offering unsolicited advice about forgiveness, reconciliation, or outreach. Ask what practical or emotional support the person wants and be present without pressuring or guilting them. Recognize that even siblings in the same family can have different valid experiences. Offering a nonjudgmental, listening presence validates boundaries and reduces harm.

Read at Psychology Today