It's been seven years since we were with my family on Christmas Day. Two of those years we were hunkered down at home with a newborn/about to give birth. The other five years we have spent with my husband's family. My father-in-law has been terminally ill for 12 years, and it's a miracle that he has lived this long. We've truly thought that every year has been his last Christmas, but this year, I really think it's his last.
Now I'm afraid I'll lose anyone at any time. I have OCD and all my rituals are focused around keeping my mom, sister, husband and current cats safe and alive. I text my mom constantly, and if she doesn't answer for a few hours, I panic. I've started crying and hyperventilating if she didn't send her usual I'm OK morning text by the time she always does; I'm ready to drive to her apartment, prepared to find her body.