"They are "walled off" emotionally and cannot offer the important relational things that a parent who is emotionally available can, like empathy, active listening, and the willingness to consider your perspective for a moment to gain a deeper understanding of you. Because they lack these capabilities, and do not realize it, they tend to only feel "close" to you only when they have control. Without recognizing it, they condition you to do what they want, so they feel good in the relationship."
"Basically, if you think and feel like they do, they tend to feel secure in the relationship and close to you. If you disagree with them, they misinterpret this as rejection and withdraw from you or admonish you. It is both difficult and distressing because you are unable to be yourself around them if you wish to maintain their approval and love. Censoring how you feel and hiding aspects of your life results in you feeling shame that is unwarranted."
An emotionally unavailable parent desires control rather than closeness and often lacks empathy, active listening, and willingness to consider another perspective. Such parents feel close only when they control the relationship and condition children to seek approval by mirroring parental thoughts and feelings. Disagreement is misinterpreted as rejection, prompting withdrawal or admonishment. Children often censor themselves, hide parts of their lives, and develop unwarranted shame and resentment. These dynamics erode self-esteem, harm mental health, and weaken trust in one’s own judgment. The first step toward coping is identifying emotionally unavailable parental behaviors, including listening only when the child agrees.
Read at Psychology Today
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