Abigail needs to tell her adult son Mark that she thinks he has a drinking problem. Simon needs to tell his wife Lisa that he's afraid he doesn't love her anymore. From time to time, we all find ourselves in a tough spot. Something looks wrong or feels wrong, and we need to say something difficult. Something painful that may hurt someone we care about, but which nevertheless must be said.
When December arrives, we may feel a familiar emotional cocktail of anticipation and anxiety. No one knows how to push our buttons like family. They were, after all, often the ones who put those buttons there in the first place. Political differences. Stubborn relational patterns. Topics that feel like landmines. Or the unspoken agreements to "just not go there," even when the elephant in the room is waving its trunk.
I use a simple framework I call the 5 R'srespect, relate, reframe, revise, and repeat, that I also describe in my book, Misguided. These aren't about winning a debate; they're about lowering defensiveness and creating space for mutual understanding. You also don't need to engage every time. Choose your moments, and try to know the other person's goal before diving in, whether that is validation, curiosity, certainty, or simply keeping the peace.
How do you navigate difficult conversations? During these divisive and tumultuous times, it can be hard to communicate productively with others, especially with those whose perspectives differ significantly from our own. Whatever the topic, whatever our viewpoints or theirs, there's typically nothing easy about these discussions. And often the parties walk away feeling unheard, along with some mixture of feeling frustration, anger, sadness, resentment, grief, defensiveness, loss, overwhelm, or other uncomfortable emotions.
