#empathy

#empathy

I wanted to say three extemporaneous things before I launch it in my prepared comments. The first was I wanted to thank Freethink and the Templeton Foundation. What an amazing night. I mean, I'm, I'm just like so impressed and moved and, you know, the last act, I just, I sort of wish I was on mushrooms now, and when they asked me to do this, I thought, yeah, sure.

Customarily, any reference to generosity brings to mind a magnanimous propensity for giving material gifts. Flowers, trips, money, or an automobile can be expressions of generosity. However, it may be extremely limiting to understand generosity as the offering of material gifts. Emotional generosity can be highly supportive of creating emotional intimacy in a committed relationship. Or it can be a dynamic energy that fosters greater rapport at work.

Now, everyone who has their hands up: Imagine the anxiety you'd feel if you had to catch another flight tonight and weren't sure you'd make it. Put your hands down. And now, those connecting to San Francisco, Palm Springs, and Denver, raise yours!

In 1968, just months before his assassination, Martin Luther King Jr. looked out at burning American cities and gave an assessment of what he was really seeing. "In the final analysis, a riot is the language of the unheard," he said. King wasn't excusing violence. He was diagnosing the problem as something even deeper than disagreement over politics or values. Beneath the unrest, he saw the pain of people who had been speaking for a very long time, and who felt that no one in power was listening.

Why do so many of us love the passed-out raccoon in the liquor store bathroom? That fuzzy little body stretched out on the bathroom floor after a full-force face plant in between a trash can and the toilet pulls at our heartstrings. He looked vulnerable. We all know he was going to have an absolute whopper of a hangover. My head started pounding, and my stomach started churning in solidarity.

I'm going to ask you to describe this man in as much detail as you can. What's the most distinctive feature on his face? It would be the eyes. He's called Kristian Hadeland. Twenty years old. Narrow eyes, high cheekbones. He's a photographer, wants to be a photographer. And he is ruthless, obsessive. He wants to be an artist for whatever price it takes. There's something that kind of releases all of that and he's very successful.

When in my 20s, I equated hope with "sunny-side-of-the-street" wishful thinking-what we now call " toxic positivity." I was wrong. I live, work, and lead these days with a new kind of grounded hope. Many thoughtful, intelligent people today are sliding toward cynicism. But recent research shows something surprising about the nature of hope in the face of cynicism. I want to share research conducted on cynical college students-and how that research shifted the outlook even of the chief researcher.

He didn't establish trust. The seller was a retired teacher with a warm face and a nervous smile. Before she could offer him a seat, he opened his folder and began discussing median prices and days on market. She nodded, but her eyes drifted into that polite, distant look every agent has seen. In that moment, the listing was already gone not because of the information, not because of the strategy, but because the seller did not feel seen.

"Empathy as hoisted up as the highest virtue - or even a virtue at all - gets us into a really big mess,"

I use a simple framework I call the 5 R'srespect, relate, reframe, revise, and repeat, that I also describe in my book, Misguided. These aren't about winning a debate; they're about lowering defensiveness and creating space for mutual understanding. You also don't need to engage every time. Choose your moments, and try to know the other person's goal before diving in, whether that is validation, curiosity, certainty, or simply keeping the peace.

Engage and participate in your partner's passions/interests and hobbies.

"And I have this memory of my wife handing me a printout of the book, and I read it, and I was just pouring tears," he recalled. "You'd think that would be because, like, this is a beautiful story of a trans kid, and it's our kid. But actually, no. Actually, it was because it was about all of us."

Have you ever noticed someone in power who seems rather indifferent to the opinions of others? Perhaps you've witnessed a leader who doesn't seem tuned in to the experiences of the people they lead. It's not just your imagination, and it may not be that the person was always like that. Instead, it appears that having power actually impairs a person's ability to empathize. If that isn't concerning enough, people are unaware of this power-induced tendency in themselves, thus falling victim to a blind spot.

Claire Danes' acting chops have been on full display since her star teenage turn in My So-Called Life. Now that she is 46 and starring in a new Netflix show, The Beast in Me-no spoilers; don't worry, I have two episodes to go myself-her ability to showcase subtle, complex, and rapidly shifting emotions remains impressive. Why is this surprising or noteworthy, you may ask? She is an actor, after all.

And then there are the harder landmines: the offhand political remark, the joke only a third of the table finds funny, or the question that hits a little too close to home. Tension itches under the surface. You can feel your pulse speed up. Your jaw tightens. Someone's voice rises. This is the moment the Stoics trained for. Not the holiday itself-but the split-second before you respond. This is the Stoic's holiday negotiation rule: Don't react. Negotiate.

This has been true of every one of the more than 3,000 enrollees in our Love without Hurt boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse. For one partner, fear (of isolation or deprivation) is a core vulnerability, while shame (dread of failure and inadequacy as a partner, provider, lover, or parent) is the core vulnerability of the other. Both vulnerabilities are dreadful to both partners, but they differ in what is most terrible.

During the pandemic, I provided counseling for several health care providers. These dedicated medical professionals faced overwhelming stress due to: Patients dying at an increasingly higher rate. Longer hours of work, changing work conditions, and schedule changes. Significant risk of getting sick, and/or dying themselves. Risk of spreading the disease to family members at risk. My clients desperately needed stress-reduction tools to help them through a challenging time.

Music drifts through our daily lives the way light slips through blinds. Quiet, constant, and easy to overlook. It hums in grocery stores, pulses in elevators, fills the space between us on the subway. Most of the time, we barely notice. But when we stop, when we choose one song, silence the noise, and really listen, music transforms. A breath slows. A memory surfaces. A question arises that we did not know we were carrying.

This can start with the question, How are you doing? Sometimes, people in care-giving positions really appreciate an outlet, or a chance to check in with themselves. And, at the other times, caregivers just want to have small talk, or a conversation about anything else. Part of this is between your wife and Beverly. If I were you, I'd resist the urge to tell your wife what to say or not say.

Managers are often spinning several plates: leading by example, setting and exceeding goals for your team, keeping workflow moving, providing support, and keeping employees motivated, engaged, and productive . . . all while adhering to your company's objectives. If you haven't done it before, it can be overwhelming. It's almost like having to activate an entirely new part of your brain. Luckily, experts say creating "boss brain" is within anyone's reach, regardless of leadership experience . . . or lack thereof.

She found herself imagining what it would be like to confront the businesses and homeowners displaying Prop 8 signs. "I would want to go up to the front door and just sort of present myself and say, 'This is my face. I'm gay and I love my soon-to-be wife. And why do you think it's not OK for us to have the same rights that you do?'"

If you'd asked me what to do before you got frustrated with your sister and expressed it, I would have encouraged you to be a bit gentler with her. The commentary about insanity and moving on was unnecessary. She's obviously very hurt (making irrational demands, yes; but in pain, too) and didn't need to be told anything that would make her feel worse about herself.

How many times do you say "sorry" throughout the day? When you stop to think about it, you might realize the word sneaks into almost every sentence - often without you realizing it. A quick apology might slip out as you reach to grab your coffee in a cafe, and another as you move past someone to squeeze out the door, and then again as a jogger practically runs you over on the sidewalk.

Events and facts in the news inform the framework of my next show and the discussion with my next guest. I develop a clear picture of how the topics of the day fit into my own leadership philosophy and practice and what my audience is likely to be thinking about. Understanding the news allows me to adjust the closing remarks of every show, helping each of my listeners to unlock the resilient leader they already are.

Second, and most radically: We hear Linda's child but do not see her. At first this feels uncomfortable, even frustrating. But Bronstein has explained it simply: The moment you see a child's face, that's where your empathy goes (especially a sick one). In fact, this child, played by a sweet-voiced Delaney Quinn, is not even named. This movie's about Linda, remember?

Many adults can remember acting out scenes as doctor and patient, or using sticks and leaves as imaginary currency. Those playful moments were not just entertainment-they were early lessons in empathy and taking someone else's perspective. But as children spend more time with technology and less in pretend play, these opportunities are shrinking. Some educators worry that technology is hindering social-emotional learning.

In the history of psychology, some of the deepest insights have come from asking a deceptively simple question: What if you could step into someone else's skin? For decades, psychologists have tried to make society more inclusive by asking people to imagine what life is like for someone different from them, but imagination only goes so far. You can picture what it might be like to roll into a job interview in a wheelchair, or to navigate a crowded hallway with limited mobility,