For thirty years, this was our dynamic. He spoke, I listened. He diagnosed, I absorbed. He performed his one-man show of truth-telling, and I sat in the audience, taking notes on everything wrong with me.
Most parents of high schoolers spend hours checking their kids' every move, but I didn't want a smartphone when my children were teens. Instead, I insisted they tell me their destination when they went out at night. I'd sometimes follow up with another parent for confirmation, and I'm sure my kids weren't always where they said they'd be. But they usually came home by curfew and always paid their cell bills on time.
The truth is, we often resent most the people who reflect our own traits back at us-especially the ones we're not proud of. And nowhere is this more obvious than in our families, where we can't escape the uncomfortable reality of our shared behaviors.
These individuals might well harbor what psychologists call dark personality traits: psychopathy, narcissism, Machiavellianism, and sadism. People with dark personalities are callous, manipulative, and antagonistic. They violate rules, lie and cheat, hurt others, and pursue their own interests heedless of the consequences on others.
In many families, there's a designated troublemaker. Not the kid who actually causes trouble - the one who names it. The child who says, at dinner, 'Why is everyone pretending Dad isn't angry?' or 'Mom, you've been crying all afternoon.' That child learns something devastating very early: honesty is not always welcome. Perception is not always a gift.
They will normally say: All right then, bye. My gran died when I was about 18, and I was sad, of course, but in terms of tears there was nothing, no water. I never cried at movies. I didn't cry on my wedding day, nor at the birth of either of my daughters. It never alarmed me. I actually thought I might have underactive tear glands.
As the youngest of four, my daughter probably hasn't known a totally peaceful day since she arrived home from the hospital. She was the travel baby - waking up in her infant seat to discover she'd been carted to a school play, T-ball practice, or school pickup. She had built-in playmates right from the start, though, of course, they bickered and fought like any other siblings.
This didn't come as a surprise, because as a teenager, I remember it exactly this way. Living parallel lives together as sisters. It was only ever the two of us, and with our ages so close together - I'm not even two years older - you might think we were inseparable. It just wasn't how it was. We were so different We were night and day different then.
Have you ever noticed how certain family gatherings seem to revolve around managing one person's moods or reactions? Maybe it's the sibling whose temper dictates whether dinner stays peaceful, or the relative everyone tiptoes around to avoid triggering an outburst. We've all witnessed these dynamics, but here's the uncomfortable question: what if that person is you? Growing up after my parents' divorce, I became fascinated with family dynamics and the roles we unconsciously adopt.
Growing up, I became an expert at reading the room before I even knew what that meant. When my parents' voices would rise from the kitchen, I'd already be mentally preparing my peacekeeping strategy. Should I crack a joke to break the tension? Distract them with a question about homework? Or maybe just quietly start doing the dishes to remind them I was there? By the time they divorced when I was twelve, I'd spent years perfecting the art of emotional regulation.
Between the two of us, we smoke one joint after 7 p.m. about four days a week. We also enjoy it on special occasions like holidays and birthdays. Lately, when our adult child has been over to visit and we step away to share a joint, they'll comment, I thought you only smoked on certain days or something to that effect. I feel like they're keeping tabs on us, or even judging us by saying OK in a disapproving way.
You know what families always say about estranged relatives? "They changed." "They got selfish." "They think they're better than us now." But after years of watching this pattern play out, reading psychology texts on family dynamics, and yes, living through my own complicated family relationships, I've noticed something different. The people who end up distancing themselves from their families often share remarkably similar experiences and traits that have nothing to do with what their families believe.
She will leave notes on our bedroom door about how "loud" we are being or announce in public when my boyfriend and I are being intimate and how "gross and disgusting" it is. She will say this like she asked someone to pass the milk and seems pleased how embarrassed everyone gets. Her grandparents refuse to address this behavior and her grandmother even scolded me that we need to "keep it down."
That same night, he texted me and asked if he could see me again at the end of the week. He sent a restaurant and a time and asked if that was OK with my taste and schedule. I agreed. Over the next few days, he texted and called me, and we had good conversations. It all felt so intentional.
My sister-in-law "Jane" is the divorced mom of a 7-year-old son, "Derek," and a 5-year-old daughter, "Talia." Child care is insanely expensive in our area, and reliable sitters are rare. Because I work from home, I offered to watch Jane's kids after they get out of school while she's at work. It seemed like the perfect solution at first. Dear Used, Within the past few months, however, my SIL has been increasingly late in picking up Derek and Talia.
Madeline Cash's debut novel, Lost Lambs, tells the story of a modern American family: semi-estranged parents in an ill-fated open relationship and three teen daughters with internet boyfriends and dangerous connections to the tech billionaire up the road. The book made such a splash when it was published last month - "vivid, breezy prose alight with casual wit," said the New Yorker; "the comic novel we need right now," declared the Washington Post -
Should I let this go? THROWN IN OREGON DEAR THROWN: Yes, let it go. Your children are adults and have their own priorities. You can't control them, nor should you try. I'm sorry your friend is upset, but your children are not responsible for it. The kids are not as close as she assumed they were, and she is going to have to learn to accept that.
My parents were not a love match. My dad was at the very least not straight. They got married because they got pregnant, and it was like, my dad came from a Catholic family.
Looking for work to do. Not like a job, but my parents and older family all complain constantly they have no free time. But all they do is make themselves work. Cut down some trees, rearrange the entire house, dig up the yard. Just always making themselves work.
At its core, premarital counseling is meant to prepare you and your partner for all the challenges that will test your commitment to one another. It's important to explore topics such as finances, family size, and how to manage in-laws before marriage, but we also need to recognize that the plan decided before marriage may not always apply in 5, 10, or 20 years. Premarital counseling can potentially teach you how to communicate effectively and what you need to discuss.
Growing up, Melissa Shultz sometimes felt like she had two fathers. One version of her dad, she told me, was playful and quick to laugh. He was a compelling storyteller who helped shape her career as a writer, and he gave great bear hugs. He often bought her small gifts: a pink "princess" phone when she was a teen, toys for her sons when she became a mom.
