#singlehood

#singlehood

"Singlism" is a term coined by psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo; this is defined as the discrimination and stereotyping of those who are non-married (I prefer this to the term "unmarried"). I'm not a psychologist, but a lot of the assumptions Dr. Tanglen's colleagues made about her "freedom" are an example of singlism. Much of the loneliness the writer felt may have been a result of internalized singlism, which emanates from societal messages from our public discourse (media, business practices, even laws)

"Hi." The 20-something man approached my table, the corner of his mouth curving up. He looked away and rubbed his chin before making eye contact and telling me: "I just wanted you to know that if you'd come in sooner, my girlfriend and I would've invited you to join us." I smiled at him. It was nice of him to want to create community with me, although I was perfectly happy just as I was. But he wasn't quite finished.

Spanish society has changed immensely in a generation, and perhaps most evidently when it comes to getting married and having children. The latest report from the National Institute of Statistics (INE) reveals that in the last three years Spain has gained 1.2 million single people but only 105,000 married people. Among those over 16 - the minimum legal age to tie the knot in Spain - the married population remains the biggest population group.

Some people fear spiders. Some fear public speaking. My biggest fear? That my plus-one will always be my own reflection. More and more people are finding themselves in the single life-not because they've joyfully signed up for it, but because they've quietly resigned themselves to it. Being alone forever is one of the worst things most people can imagine. And yet, nobody's talking about it.

I got married at an early age, but the marital bliss was short-lived as my wife died a few years later. That was 20 years ago, and I have since built a new, happy life for myself. In this new life, I have never had any desire to embark on another long-term relationship, let alone remarry. I enjoy being on my own, although I consider myself to be quite sociable. I have a group of good friends, who provide excellent company whenever I want it.

If you have spent any significant time as a single adult, you know that the world feels built for couples and that the people around us often assume we want to be partnered. Until recently, researchers have been making the same mistake about singles. In 2020, Nicole Watkins and Jonathon Beckmeyer created a tool for assessing a person's level of relationship desire and dismissal. Together, these two components explain the importance someone places on romantic relationships in their lives.

Many of the responses were surprisingly similar. The most frequently listed qualities women said they were looking for in a partner were kindness and emotional intelligence, mental and physical health, shared values, ambition and being hardworking, financial stability, masculinity and maturity, and a willingness to commit to an equal, monogamous relationship as well as, in many cases, having a family.

I am apparently too ambitious and goal-driven. Every time I got a promotion, started working on a project or a goal, or achieved something I'm happy about, ex-partners have gotten insecure and then started to humble and belittle me. I used to model, and everything was cool when they thought I'd just be pretty. But when they realize my mind is the most attractive thing about me, they're over it.